A great taking away. Or 

Written By Amy Gastelum

Yes, I’m breaking up with my iphone.


Last week, I announced in my Instagram stories that I was breaking up with my smartphone. I talked about my feelings -

I’m sad, I said. 

And it’s true. This is harder than I thought it would be. I will miss my quick and tiny interactions with humans on Instagram. I will miss the “natural” filter, which smoothes my wrinkles and softens my skin’s imperfections, makes my teeth whiter and adds a subtle sparkle to my eyes. I will miss the funny astrological memes and the seriously well-produced comedy shorts that make me laugh out loud while I am lying on my heated floor mat avoiding my life. 

I posted one short video after the other explaining my decision. Instagram would like me to keep my stories short but I am an emotive Aries, a Four on the enneagram and an ESFP on the Myers-Briggs.  I refuse to keep it short. As a result, I often feel I’m oversharing or inappropriately vulnerable - far too human for the platform. 

What happened next sort of surprised me. 

People put hearts on the videos. They reached out. They wanted to know more about this iphone breakup process than anything else I have posted about in quite awhile. I get the feeling many people are wondering if it might be possible for them, too…I suppose we all have a why. 

My motivation for the breakup is likely relatable, at least to some. It’s probably not surprising to hear that in a nutshell, my phone is terribly distracting and I am curious what my mind will be like if I don’t have it. And I don’t mean throbbing in a cabinet somewhere, I don’t mean applying restrictions with yet another app. I’m saying like, completely gone. Vamoose! 

Ya’ll know what I’m talking about - the end of that itch to just take a peak at the news or youtube or socials (obviously) or to look something up instead of just not knowing for a little while. I don’t like that feeling of dependence.

Recent studies (okay here is just ONE review of the literature on the effects of smartphone addiction) have proven that MY BRAIN is being manipulated by forces whose values I don’t align with. This data reminds me of an article I was assigned to read in graduate school by my professor, the poet Kaveh Ahkbar. John Berger’s Ways of Seeing says, in this seminal work, that visual art has been co-opted by capitalism in the form of marketing and it’s taking us all for a ride. He says capitalists make their money from us two times: once by undervaluing our labor, and again when we are shopping. Sick. I’ve decided to sit in oppositional defiance of Big Tech - people who would turn my dopamine on and off like so many valves.

The same study I cite above suggests a few methods to cope with smartphone addiction, including taking medication that would inhibit the dopamine response. For a phone?!

Nah. Instead, I will employ my superpower: my ability and willingness to cut bait and deal with the fallout.  I believe this level of, well, yes, defiance is necessary to resist a machine that is designed to snag our most natural instincts. My resolve is grounded in the fact that I’m not some exception to the rule.  The literature that proves the negative impact of social media on mental health or cognition mean me! They mean MY brain. I am not special, I’m saying. And I’m. Not. Going. Down. Like. That. 

Mr. Rogers said our minds are gardens. We must be careful what we grow. We must take responsibility for that space. 

Like many breakups, holding the boundary is tough at first. Is this what I really want? I asked myself when I was in the contemplation stage of readiness for change. What about photos and videos of the kids? What about the app that tracks my mileage for business write offs? That’s so convenient… And then I’m back to thinking about where continuing to rely on my smart phone is headed - a dependency on programs and services that eat up my attention, cost more with every upgrade and degrade my cognitive ability to problem solve all while filling the pockets of people I am diametrically opposed to and ruining our water with giant data centers. Freakin’ gross. 

Yes, I decided. 

I want to break up.

Then I went into mourning followed by the preparation stage of readiness to change. Anyone who has ever shared a life or a home with someone and then split knows there are tasks involved - boring ones we must complete through the tears. We must separate our finances, split up the bills, divide the towels, perhaps. It is this way with the iphone. 

Once I was sure I was sure, it was time to settle the quiver in my chin and get to work. I have spent the last few weeks canceling apps I’ve paid for, downloading pictures and important notes to my computer. I've been making sure I can access my bank account on my computer because, well, I’ve always used the app. I bought a little paper notebook for the car so I can track my miles manually with the odometer. (!!)

The new phone I will use is the Punkt MP02. It’s sleek and cute and super simple but it’s also known for its excellent audio quality and high security. I learned in my research that many minimalist phones (like old flip phones) get hacked a lot. Not this one. The Punkt phone is also compatible with my new service provider. I switched to a lower cost network so I could take advantage of a super cheap plan with the least data, since I won’t need much on my new phone.

In the meantime, I have turned off the data on my iphone since the low data plan is in effect, which means I’ve been sort of tapering off my use. I have internet access at home when I’m on wifi, but nowhere else. 

I’ve been driving around for a week with no Spotify, no Google Maps, no email, nothing. 

A couple days ago, I went to a store to buy corn husks to make tamales. The store was unexpectedly closed so I had to think of the next closest Latine grocery store from memory. I happened to be talking on the phone with my sister when I realized my situation. She offered to google map it for me (ha!!!) 

I think I remember a spot around the corner here, I told her. 

And there it was, Vega grocery/taqueria near the intersection of Fall Creek and Keystone. It was meant to be, I reported back after the visit introduced me to the Mexican made hats, blankets, shoes and ceramics they import. A treasure trove.

__________

I am encouraged by the fact that I have been an adult without an iphone - of course I can do this, hell, I’ve already done this. I didn’t get an iphone until I was well into my twenties. And so, I must dust off the old skills - how to read a road atlas, how to scan the radio and program the buttons to stations I like, how to self sooth and look out the window when I’m bored in the pick up line at my kids’ schools. So far, it’s been frustrating and lonely.

But this iphone breakup is part of a larger theme for me - clearing things out. Something is happening. Last summer, I mowed down my vegetable garden because I couldn’t keep up with the weeds and all I felt was relief when it was done. Grass has replaced the makeshift beds, but I know that can change when I have more capacity to take care of it. Last month, I cut my hair very short and…uh, it’s SO MUCH EASIER to deal with I wonder why it took me so long.  

I also recently quit Netflix and Hulu/Disney Plus. I forced the family to find SOMETHING to watch on PBS or Kanopy instead. This breakup with streaming services was motivated by similar rationale - I’d like to pay less to watch stuff, plus I’m curious how limiting my viewing options in this way will change my mind, how it will change what I feel, ultimately (ANXIETY). 

The kids had no problem locking into Wildkratts and, on Friday nights we watch the Marlow Murder Club from Masterpiece, a murder mystery show that is so cozy and harmless, my four-year-old can dig it. When we tuned into the last episode of the season, my very cool, very hip preteen sighed and said, I love this show so much. 

What do you like about it? I asked.

Just everything. I have come to learn that this is all the answer I will get from her so I let it go.

I watch a lot of the show Art in the 21st Century and I think it’s doing things to my neurons to let these creatives and their process be my screen time entertainment. Rather than playing out a fast-paced, violent story that hijacks my nervous system, these episodes make me think and feel. 

You could cite the organizer Marie Kondo here - I suppose I’m going through something about does it spark joy? and that would be fine, but instead I am drawn to cite an old friend, John Reynolds who lives a seriously minimalist life in NYC and manages to be in his painting studio four to five days a week: you think you own your stuff but your stuff owns you, he has said.  

The maintenance, he means. The keeping up with it can take over your life. The time he spends painting is more important to him than anything he could own. I want that. 

This month, I finished up my master’s degree in Creative Nonfiction writing from Butler University and so the months leading up to this have forced me to take stock of my art and my life. After 5 years pursuing this degree, being around writers of all levels of “success,” I learned that publishing does not make people happy. In fact, I think it can be like chasing a dopamine hit. 

The real reward, I think,  is the writing. The time spent in a dark basement office, researching and writing and bringing concepts together. The action of making is the real reward. 

And so, during this transition period of my life, I have been thinking about what I want my life to be in broad strokes. And this is what I came up with: I want to write in the morning and help people create their gardens in the afternoon. I want to play board games with my kids in the evenings and go for hikes and bike rides on weekends. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to join book clubs and put glitter on things while I listen to music. I want to share what I have and accept help when I need it. I want to pay my bills. I want to travel. 

It’s pretty plain what the inconveniences will be as I reenter the world without a smart phone -  like the ghost of Christmas past.  I will probably get lost driving in this city. I will have to think ahead and print out tickets to events and fold them and put them in my purse. 

But, I’m not clear how this rejection will affect me in a good way. It’s hard to predict an emotion or a state of mind but I hope it brings peace. I hope it brings daydreaming. I hope it improves my presence when I’m with the kids. I hope it helps me make room for what’s precious to me. 

I hope this holiday season brings you what you need. 



- Amy

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